I feel like throwing up. As if that will somewhow make things back to the way they were a week ago.

i feared that it would happen, though i never believed it. it happened. i've thought many times about how it might go the other way. maybe because my feelings for her were ambiguous at first and grew only as we dated. maybe because my ego prevented me from believing that anyone would dump me. i don't know. my mind is racing light speed thinking up new and ever heart renching reasons that she didn't/couldn't/woulndn't give me. my fault? interloper? Joel? Shala?

She says that it is her. She needs time. That's bullshit. it was bullshit when i said it to the last girl i dumped, and it smells familiar.

She wants to be friends. Yeah, so do i. i was glad that she felt more like a friend than a girlfriend, but most girls that are just friends will not hug you warmly and soothingly run her fingers through your hair when you tell her about the stresses of your day or relax and cuddle with you until you fall asleep in each others arms. i need someone to touch. i need someone to touch me. All i've wanted for the past week was a hug.

God this has been a stressful year. i think i'll go cry by myself now, or toke until i don't care. Wait no, i don't have enough. Crying won't change things i'm sure, but without a girlfriend and with dwindling presence of mary, i don't have many other avenues to relieve this new weight.

What did i do?